I’m sitting here on my bed in the middle of the high heat of the day keeping cool in Costa Rica. I am stuck not knowing how to share my story and then I close my eyes. Tears start to form on the inside of my eyelids and I take myself back to a world before Body Freedom International (BFI) and way back before I even had body freedom. I am both moved by where I have come from, and upset at the pain, hatred and anger that I once was.
There are a couple of days that stand out the most to me. One being the day that I reached my goal of 40Kg. That day i was at my friends house, I went to the bathroom, spotted the scales and could not resist. I had not eaten dinner the night before, I still had not had breakfast and didn't count on having it either. Maybe I can last another 12 hours before I take another mouthful, I said to myself. That will be easy though, I just made it to 24 hours. I stand on the scales and the digital clock rings at 40Kg. The adrenaline pumps, what was left of my energy and smile trickled throughout my body. I literally felt like I had won a gold medal at the olympics.
Whenever I share this story people get shocked and some even get disgusted. To this day I can honestly say that that moment was one of the most invigorating, accomplished moments of my life. I am not saying this as an agreement to the punishment I was putting my body through, but as a testimony to how strong lived emotions live amongst our cells, and our physiological being. Memories are not just stored in the mind they are also stored in the body, and this is where Body freedom comes into play.
Standing on those scales I had no idea that my happiest self would be birthed in a body 200% heavier than in that moment. Yes that's right! I gained weight and experienced my most beautiful, my most perfect, my happiest self and considering the context to which I am writing this article I am sure you can guess what was the pivoting point for me.
Years had gone by from this moment and I was still trapped in a vicious cycle of appearance ideals. I was suffocated by the world and how I should be. I lost myself. As my mum said “I was a hollow bag of bones taking up space in a room” I literally had no personality, and when I did speak apparently quoted by my brother “the hulk appeared” No one wanted to be my friend, let alone speak to me. I even ended up homeless. No joke. I’m not even sure my family is aware of this, that's how righteous I had become about the appearance ideals that I had adopted from society.
5 years later I wake up and decide that I have had enough. I was now double my weight wishing I was back to my 40Kg self, and nothing I did was ever good enough to get my old body back. I was sick to death of wishing and hoping to have the body I once had and not enjoying the one that I do have. There has got to be more to life than looking through past photos of me wishing I had enjoyed myself and those around me. I wanted to do whatever it took to start living in the present and finally be able to look back at my life and remember the joy, the happiness and love that surrounded me. So I had a nude photoshoot. This naked photoshoot was the pivotal moment in my life where my hatred for oneself and the never ending want to be someone else disappeared into thin air. When I dropped my gown, not only did I expose the physical edges, I unleashed a version of Steph that I had not seen in a very very long time. This Steph has been fighting her way out for over a decade and my unveiling had her breathe newly, hug me and show me that I am the most beautiful version of me because I say so.
I’m not going to lie, unleashing my skin in front of another was confronting, but the sheer act of unveiling everything I am and everything I am not to myself was one of the most hardest, yet liberating and accomplished moments of my life. There was so much pain that I moved through. Once when I was butt naked in front of the photographer, watching her camera flash as I moved, laughed and smiled, and the next when I saw my photos for the very first time. I will never ever forget the moment I first saw my photos. I cried. I was upset. I was disappointed. I cannot believe that the reality of my body actually looked like THAT. I didn’t like what I saw, and in fact I still don’t like it. I then made a promise to myself to look at these photos every day for at least 30 days and discover the love, honour , and beauty it is to be housed in a shell that has been through so much pain and is open to living a life of body freedom. It was the consistent witnessing of my own image that altered the context of beauty, appearance ideals and the ‘normal’ body. It was the confrontation of everything that my body is and is not that had me be present to the insignificance my physical edges are in comparison to the life that I am able to live. I may not like my body, but I can bloody well say that I love my body more than anything else on the planet. My body is my vessel. It is my witness, it is my constant, and it sure doesn’t dictate who I am, or how I show up in this world anymore. Being naked cured me from living a life of hate, anger, and darkness. Nudity became my medicine and transformed me into a woman, into a daughter, a sister, a friend, a lover and human being. I am whole, complete and perfect, and I acknowledge my naked flesh as the magnificent culprit to my everlasting body freedom.
I want every single human being to experience themselves as raw, as beautiful and as perfect as I did that day I witnessed being naked for myself. I want the world to divorce themselves from the appearance ideals that we are automatically born into. I want you to discover your true self independent of your physical edges, and most importantly I want you to discover the freedom, confidence and love you ooze when you start creating who you are from internal characteristics that live inside of you, inside of your communication and inside of who you’re being.
The more moments you live inside of your free self the more it lives in your cells, replacing the old, generational stigmatised beliefs that surround us. It takes a loud voice to replace such beliefs and we are it. You have a choice to choose how you live in your body, you either settle for what you have and chase the ideals that are created out there in the world, or powerfully stand up and choose you, choose your skin and redefine your own beauty from within.
Body Freedom International is a movement and coaching business that has taken my pain, my breakthrough and my desire into a living phenomena out into the world. No longer is it a desire or an idea. It is a new conversation out there in the world for you to ponder and speculate over. We are a team of dedicated individuals committed to revolutionising the world of nudity into an internal healing tool, that will have you shatter body shame, and build confidence of steel. We utilise nudity as the catalyst for body empowerment. We are here to show you how nudity is medicine and that being powerfully related to your physical edges is the stepping stone to falling in love with yourself newly, and in a way you never thought possible.
We are fighting the beauty industry, the diet industry, the relentless “losing weight makes you happy” conversation and so much more. These conversations are persistent, subtle and generationally strong. We are up against the world, and we are committed to shout at the top of our lungs that enough is enough, we deserve to be at home in our bodies, we deserve to love ourselves. We deserve to live with aliveness. We deserve to be undeniably lit up.
If you are committed to being of service to the world and want to support and disseminate our message, or know of someone who would benefit from an injection of self-love, confidence and liberation point them in our direction. We see you, we hear you, we love each and every one of you!
Instagram: @bodyfreedominternational
Email: yourstory@bodyfreedominternational.com